A journey in time with Alzheimer's

How long? To Grieve?

It’s been two weeks since Momma fell, she passed away within ten days, not sure where I am in the grieving process.
I know she’s definitely happier and in Gods’ grace.
Where am I? I’m feeling sorry for myself! I miss her awful.
I’ve been to the secure unit where she lived and wanted to linger, wonder why?
I’ve talked with several who knew and cared for her, comforted those who
needed a hug. Made me feel better for those few moments.
I’m hoping the memorial will help me get back on track. I do need to grieve.
People grieve in their own ways, but still go through the process, where am I?
I sing the song I sang to her before she took her last breaths and tears roll down my cheeks.
I guess it’ll always touch my heart when I sing that song.
I want to sing it at her memorial, don’t know if I can, the hurt is so fresh.
I know it’s o.k. to wonder about WHAT DO I DO NOW? I know I’ll be alright.
I don’t like this grieving process, I’ve grieved for her so long … maybe I feel guilty?
Why feel guilty? For what? I did all I could! Her fall was traumatic, did I expect her to dwindle over the years as she obviously was doing before the fall? God forgive me for being selfish … her fall put her in heaven sooner than later. I guess I wanted it to be later, selfish me!
I’m so happy she no longer suffers from Alzheimer’s … happy for her!

As I read my words above, there are lots of “I’s” Grieving is personal and for me selfish in many ways. When I focus on Mom’s happiness in heaven, my heart overflows.
When I realize I’ve been left behind to continue my own journey, without her, my tears flow.
She strengthened me, even with Alzheimer’s, as she muddled through here on earth.

I know, because I am close to Jesus, everything will be o.k. Momma knew she’d be o.k. and prayed daily, was close to her Saviour.
She was such a strong soldier of the cross. Onward Christian Soldier …
yes … for me too!

September 13, 2015/ Caring Is Sharing/ sg

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